BERT OUT, DR. EVIL IN!
by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer.
[December 3, 2001]
[WeeklyUniverse.com] Osama bin Laden
ally and Taliban military, intelligence, and security advisor Bert -- who
only last month bragged of his "impregnable" high- tech Afghan volcano
in an exclusive Weekly
Universe interview -- has been captured
by MI6 secret agent Austin Powers!
But the international rejoicing
and relief was short-lived when world leaders learned that sicko terrorist
Osama has already forged a new alliance -- with Dr. Evil!
Those are the startling new
developments following a whirlwind of shifting fortunes and alliances on
the bloody Afghan front, as reported exclusively by
Weekly Universe foreign correspondents on the scene!
"Fighting was a smashing
success until we got to Bert's mountain base -- where our entire regiment
nearly routed by Bert!" shuddered SAS Captain Wesley Westfordshire, recalling
Bert's ferocious attack.
"Delta Force personnel are
brave and battle-hardened," grimaced Delta Force Commander Wesley Westman,
"But Bert's high-tech gadgets could only be disabled by soldiers skilled
in mathematics and alphabet science.
"My men have a solid public
school education. All of them were skilled marksmen by second grade.
But Bert's high-tech mountain fortress was impregnable to anyone unable
to hold his own in a conversation with Big Bird."
Then the SAS recalled that
MI6's Austin Powers attended school in the 1940s -- before new math and
whole language reforms.
Powers was instantly flown
to Afghanistan, penetrating the volcano and sealing Bert in the muppet's
own high-tech Bert Bubble[tm] (exclusive photo above!), which Bert had developed
as the key weapon in his 4th master plan to conquer the world.
Bert's capture is the latest
blow to sicko Osama, who has lost several top aids over the past weeks.
Amazingly! -- sicko Osama
has issued a startling denial that Bert's loss was a crippling blow to
"Contrary to British disinformation,
Bert was not captured by MI6. After performing an excellent job of
optimizing Al Qaeda's infrastructure, Bert resigned to pursue other interests.
We wish him the best of luck, and know that he will be amazingly successful
in anything he does.
"Additionally, the Taliban
retains complete control of Afghanistan. Allied casualties have been
astronomical, and no Afghani has been killed, other than several thousand
innocent baby girls of color."
Even more shockingly! --
Osama bin Laden announced that Al Qaeda has already filled the position
by Bert -- by retaining the services of Dr. Evil!
Sicko Osama stated in his
"Everyone at El Qaeda is
very excited to have Dr. Evil join our projects team. Dr. Evil brings
to the table his many decades of experience and achievement competing with
Mr. Powers. Considering recent moves by our competition, we think
Dr. Evil is the ideal candidate for the position vacated by Bert, and we
are confident that future events will reflect the wisdom of our decision."
Yet shockingly! -- in an exclusive interview with the Weekly Universe, Dr. Evil made the following shocking
"Bert is a liar and a thief!
The Bert Bubble[tm] is really
the Evil Envelop[tm] and was
developed by myself for my own master plan of world conquest. I am
pursuing all legal remedies to vacate Bert's patent and trademark claims
the Evil Envelop[tm].
"Bert is Evil. Which
all right, but hardly enough. Many are evil. But only I hold
a Doctorate in Evilology. And it requires an EvD. to run the Evil
Envelop[tm]. A Sesame Street
education is not enough."
Following his capture of
Bert, Powers was appointed special advisor to all SAS forces in Afghanistan.
MI6's James Bond was also considered for the position, but the SAS was
unable to provide the octogenarian spy, who began his career in the early
1950s, with a sufficient supply of Depends.
Despite recent victories,
allied leaders are grimly aware that Dr. Evil's entry means that the fiercest
battles are yet to come.
Contacted exclusively by the Weekly Universe for a response to the grim allied intelligence assessment,
Powers remarked: "Fabulous, baby!"
|Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more of her journalism in Hollywood Witches.
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