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by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer.  [November 5, 2001]




[]  Bert, whose notorious and well-documented roles in international terror, drug-dealing, and political repression have made him into one of the most-courted advisors by dictators, mafiosi, contract killers, and terrorists throughout the globe, has forged a hellish alliance with Osama bin Ladin to unleash their twisted evil brand of apocalyptic terror throughout the globe!

And he's ready to talk about it!  -- in an exclusive interview available only in the Weekly Universe!

While establishment media outlets LA Weekly, Wired, E! Online, and Fox News repeated panicky government denials of a Bert-Osama connection, the Weekly Universe's crack team of foreign correspondents has learned the shocking truth! -- Bert is now acting chief military, intelligence, and security advisor to both Osama bin Ladin -- and the Taliban government!

"It's the mother of all nightmares!" gasped Wesley Westford, CIA station chief in Islamabad, Pakistan, who wished to remain anonymous. "It's worse than the Hitler-Stalin pact!"

"I'd describe the mood in Washington security and diplomatic circles as one of sheer panic and absolute terror!" gasped Benjamin Benford, a high-level State Department official, who wished to remain anonymous. "Official gatherings are now dominated by talk of suicide."

Despite disinformation attempts by CIA-funded front groups [see below], the Weekly Universe tracked Bert to Osama's cave deep in the bowels of the parched and unforgiving Afghan desert mountains.

An interview was arranged after a complex series of delicate negotiations conducted through a chain of former CIA staff, a Swiss arms merchant, a rogue Mossad agent, a South African bounty hunter, two Colombian drug lords, a Chinese double agent, a Nazi war criminal hiding in Syria, a gang of Opium Trail heroin smugglers, and a Shining Path guerilla cell -- all of whom refused to give their real names for fear of Bert! [And despite the Weekly Universe's promises of anonymity].

Questions were prepared by editors from the Weekly Universe, and from its sister publication, the Hollywood Investigator.

WU:  Bert, now that you're allied with Mr. bin Laden, what are your plans for the future?

Bert:  Crush enemies. See them driven before me. Hear the lamentation of their women.

WU:  I believe that's from Conan: The Barbarian. Are you a film buff?

Bert:  Some films, sure.

WU:  Your cave is very high-tech. Are you a James Bond fan?

Bert:  [laughs warmly] You caught me. The sliding mountaintop is from You Only Live Twice. The laser torture table is from Goldfinger. I don't enjoy the newer Bond films too much.

WU:  You're not alone.

Bert:  [chuckles]

WU:  I admire your cave's cleanliness. Are you neat freak by nature?

Bert:  Even a little dust can wreck havoc on satellite missile technology. A good rule of thumb is to budget 2% of hardware costs per annum on commercial cleaning services. People think of World Domination as a glamour profession, but does have its prosaic side.

WU:  You've a lot of contacts in international intelligence circles. Tell us, really, what happened at Roswell?

Bert:  That's not something I can talk about right now. Maybe after the coming world war and international currency collapse.

WU:  What about Area 51?

Bert:  Not my favorite number. I prefer the number 9.

WU:  And the letter B?

Bert:  [laughs warmly]

WU:  A question from our sister publication, the Hollywood Investigator. Is there a special lady?

Bert:  There is, but I'd rather not name her. My work is hard enough on a relationship without the glare of the public spotlight.

WU:  Any thoughts on Friends star Jennifer Aniston's new hair?

Bert:  I think--

WU:  Or do you side with fans who feel the real story is Lisa Kudrow's hair, now featured in an exclusive Investigator exposé, available only in the current issue of the Hollywood Investigator -- now at supermarket checkouts everywhere?

Bert:  Sorry, I don't watch Friends. Wish I could. No time.

WU:  And I guess TV reception isn't too good in Afghanistan?

Bert:  [chuckles warmly]  I can't even get Sesame Street. Who knows if they're skimming my residuals? I've plotted intricate global high-finance conspiracies that baffle the SEC and would stump the Lone Gunmen. But even I can't understand those Hollywood profit participation statements!

WU:  We know you're busy. Thank you for your time.

Bert:  Thank you!


Startling Facts From The Universe:

During a period in the late 1980s, Bert was a high-ranking member of the Romanian Communist Party Politburo -- and enthusiastic supporter and advisor to the notorious dictator, Nicholae Ceausescu.

Bert disappeared from Romania amid the chaos of the 1989 Revolution that toppled Ceausescu. 

Bert's role in Ceausescu's vampirism and blood pacts with Vlad "the Impaler" Dracula are still sealed by order of the current Romanian government.

Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more of her journalism in Hollywood Witches.
Startling CIA Disinformation Sites: Snopes, Denial of Ceausescu's Vampirism.

Copyright 2001 by


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