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by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer.  [March 15, 2002]




[]  The most astonishing good luck talisman in the universe is now being made available to websites throughout the universe -- and the price is FREE! [Applicable terms and conditions apply, see below for full details.]

Those are the startling facts, according to Preston Presscott, spokesman for American Bald Eagle Publications, LLC, publisher of the Hollywood Investigator and Weekly Universe family of family publications, with editorial and business headquarters in Hollywood, Florida.

"The Weekly Universe Mystic Gray Buddha[tm] culminates decades of rigorous para-science research and quantum psychic beta-testing," said Weekly Universe holding company spokesman Prescott, in an exclusive interview with the Weekly Universe.

"In order to design this talisman, the Weekly Universe spared no costs in assembling the universe's top psychics, seers, soothsayers, channelers, Bible and Koranic scholars, spiritualists, Egyptologists, priests, ministers, rabbis, mullahs, witches, gurus, shamans, astrologers, numerologists, gypsy fortune tellers, and NASA scientists.

"In the end, everyone agreed: their collective wisdom had birthed the most potent good luck talisman ever invented in the entire universe: the Weekly Universe Mystic Gray Buddha[tm]!"


The mysteriously mesmerizing Mystic Gray Buddha[tm] combines the Ancient Wisdom of the Past -- with the Scientific Miracles of the Future! Its wise all-seeing eyes reflect the Spiritual Understanding of the East -- while its brainy egghead contains the Rational Intellect of the West!

This is simply the most powerful and scientifically proven good luck charm available anywhere in the universe -- bar none!

Here is what one satisfied user is already saying:

"Being long down and out, I tried rubbing the National Enquirer Lucky Blue Dot. So I won 83 cents at video poker. Wow. Then I rubbed the Weekly World News Magic Fish. I found $1 stuck to my boot. Great.

But then I rubbed the Weekly Universe Mystic Gray Buddha[tm]! Within hours, I'd won $100 million at lotto, learned I'd inherited a castle in England and was now an Earl, and got a call from a major Hollywood movie star saying she'd seen me downing a Big Gulp at the Mobile 7-11 years back -- and had been trying to find me ever since, as she loves me madly!

Thanks heaps, Mystic Gray Buddha[tm]!"

This astounding testimonial is no accident, for the symbol of the Mystic Gray Buddha[tm] is chock full of transcendent esoterica!

Its starry constellations are an exact replica of the twilight sky as seen from from Cydonia, during the Face on Mars ground-breaking ceremony! PLUS they recreate the celestial patterns as reflected in the positioning of the pyramids at Giza, Maya and Atlantis during the critical year of 10,813 B.C.! PLUS they replicate another 127,873 other scientifically potent and spiritually historic skies as seen at key locations throughout the universe!

Only the Weekly Universe has been able to access the startling astronomical secrets hidden at Area 51 -- obtained by CETI using Roswell crash site technology -- so the artists we commissioned at Graviton Creations were able to recreate the amazing and unique starry constellations used in the Mystic Gray Buddha[tm].

No other tabloid can make that claim!

Unimagined depths of deep spiritual insight can by had by meditating upon this Mystic Gray Buddha[tm]. Or just rub its belly! Either way, you will be astonished by the results! 

"As a professional telephone psychic, I rely on my tarot cards to give accurate readings to my clientele of international world leaders and jet-setting film stars.

But over time, my cards gets clogged with dirty auras. So I'd used bell, book and candle to spiritually unclog them -- until one morning when I ran out of candles just before my shift!  And just then remembered that someone (probably the cheapskate Wiccan who does the phone beside me) had stolen my bell and book!

I was frantically searching another co-worker's desk for incense, hoping to find some before she got back from filling her face in the donut room, when I saw the Weekly Universe on yet another co-worker's desk.

For some mysterious reason, I felt compelled to rub the Mystic Gray Buddha[tm]'s belly ... and from then on, the cards practically danced through my fingers -- and the answers just floooooowed!

Honey, you keep my bell, book and candles! Just don't touch my Weekly Universe -- and my Mystic Gray Buddha[tm]!

Everything about the Weekly Universe Mystic Gray Buddha[tm], from its subtly nuanced hues, to its Swiss precision geometric patterns, to its wordings' numerological portent -- everything! -- has been scientifically researched and beta-tested!

Here's another unsolicited testimonial: 

"I've always relied on angels for my good luck. My home is blanketed with angel images -- on my personalized checks, wallpaper, calendars, ashtrays, kitchen magnets, pens, bumperstickers, clocks, bath towels, toilet seat covers. You name it -- if it's got an angel on it -- I've got it!

Unfortunately, as I've been in three uninsured car accidents, busted for drug possession, twice busted for DUI, been evicted seven times, had a trailer re-possessed, another trailer burned down, another trailer lost, abandoned by four husbands (technically not married to two of them), and had some of my kids (forget how many) removed by social workers, my real-life Guardian Angel has proven to be one sorry sack of sh*t.

Fortunately, as a loyal longtime reader of the Weekly Universe -- my favorite source for quantum news and analysis -- I rubbed the Mystic Gray Buddha[tm] the instant I saw it in your fine publication.

Instantly, I could feel my sh*tty Guardian Angel getting s*cked up to Heaven in one of those blue light tunnels -- the ones I read about in your paper -- and being replaced by a primo Guardian Archangel (not many of those, huh?)!

Next day, the mail guy delivered seven bags of checks, cash and money orders -- totaling $150 million! -- from a chain letter I'd sent to Borneo several years back. Even better, I lost 230 pounds!

Thank you, my high-performing Guardian Archangel -- and thank YOU Mystic Gray Buddha[tm]!

Convinced? In that case ...

Want a Weekly Universe Mystic Gray Buddha[tm].for YOUR website? To apply, please email us at -- editor at WeeklyUniverse dot com -- so we can review your site.  If chosen, you must display the Mystic Gray Buddha unaltered (actual size at right) hotlinked to

Awards remain the property of and MAY BE WITHDRAWN should a website fall short of quality standards, either in content or design, as is determined at the sole discretion of

Vanessa Cortez is a phone psychic and reporter for the Weekly Universe. Read about her supernatural battles against Satantic New Age forces in Hollywood Witches!

Copyright 2002 by


"Weekly Universe" and "" and "Mystic Gray Buddha" trademarks are currently unregistered, but pending registration upon need for protection against improper use. The idea of marketing these terms as a commodity is a protected idea under the Lanham Act. 15 U.S.C. s 1114(1) (1994) (defining a trademark infringement claim when the plaintiff has a registered mark); 15 U.S.C. s 1125(a) (1994) (defining an action for unfair competition in the context of trademark infringement when the plaintiff holds an unregistered mark). All articles copyright the author or