WORLD TRADE CENTER TERRORISTS TO
SPEND ETERNITY WITH 10,000 ETERNAL VIRGINS!!!
by Vanessa Cortez, staff reporter
[October 1, 2001]
The World Trade Center terrorists are now surrounded by 10,000 mind- bogglingly
beautiful virgins in bikinis -- chastity bikinis that won't come off!!!
That's the shocking discovery
discovered by a crack intrepid elite team of Weekly Universe foreign correspondents
who traveled to Hell for this exclusive report!
"Allah does not lie, or break his
Word," said Iman Mohammud Mufti Al-Mohammud, head of the Al-Allah-Akbar
Mosque in Mosquito Bay, Florida. "Allah promised to reward these
suicide martyrs with young virgins, and that is exactly what they got.
"Of course, these virgins will remain
virgins. If they were to lose their virginity, then they would no
longer be virgins. And that would make Allah into a liar. That
Despite the sweltering humidity and
hazy yellow sulfurous skies, there was enough light from sporadic fires
and glowing embers for the Weekly Universe's crack intrepid team of foreign
correspondents to confirm that Allah is indeed true to his Word.
The underground skies of Hell rang
with the agonized screams of frustrated terrorists -- hanging strapped
and helpless from Satan's ceiling -- while flocks of angelic virgins caressed
and teased them with their heavenly treasures ... kept forever out of reach
beneath skin- tight chastity bikinis!!!
Adding to the terrorists' agony is their
limited diet in the afterlife. Three square meals a day -- of Viagra.
"It sounds boring, but Viagra is
more versatile than people imagine," said Beelzebub Butterworth, a cafeteria
minion who prepares three generous bowls of Viagra for each terrorist every
day. "Add milk, and you've made Viagra cereal. With hot water,
it's Viagra stew. Use crust, and you have Viagra pot pie. Those
are three very different meals right there.
"And if a terrorist is lactose intolerant,
we can offer non-dairy creamer for his cereal. Fat-free too!
Viagra may not make for gourmet cooking, but it fills you up. At
least they're not hungry."
After spotting a terrorist, and spending
five hours struggling past mobs of virgins to reach him, the crack team
of Weekly Universe correspondents finally reached him, struggling amid
dozens of fanatically groping young virgins. Yet shockingly --
the terrorist refused to answer questions about eating conditions.
Ignoring reporters' questions, the
terrorist spent all his time grasping and adjusting his swimming trunks
-- chastity trunks that would not come off.
Back in Florida, Iman Mohammud Mufti
Al-Mohammud is satisfied that Allah has shown His good faith to the terrorists.
"They wanted virgins, and they got them."
Copyright 2001 by WeeklyUnivsere.com
|Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more of her journalism in Hollywood Witches.
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