LAWYER SUES SELF, COLLECTS MILLIONS! AND YOU PAY
by Marcus Rubyman, staff reporter
[October 15, 2001]
Lawyer Lizzy Gekko has sued herself for negligence when she slipped and
fell in her own law office! -- and now all insurance rates will skyrocket
to pay for her $58.4 million windfall!
That's the latest shocking finding
found by the Weekly Universe's standing panel of internationally renowned
In her lawsuit against herself, Gekko
admitted in court documents that she keeps "a shockingly unkempt office
... with boxes, papers, cartons, and office supplies strewn about the floors."
Gekko's Santa Mojo Valley law offices,
overlooking the pristine desert outskirts of Santa Mojo Valley, California,
are so disorderly that visitors routinely trip and sustain injuries. Over the years injuries have ranged widely from whiplash, to aggravated
whiplash, to multiple whiplash.
"I've had 100s of clients come to
me with minor claims, and leave with millions after tripping in my office,"
said Gekko. "I guess it was only a matter of time before I tripped
too. What can I say? I'm a slob."
Gekko insists her trip and fall was
not intentional. "Why would I lie? I get 40% of all insurance
settlements awarded to my clients, employees, the pizza delivery guy, the
FedEx guy, friends and family. It's not like I need the whole 100%. My son injured himself three times in the past four years. That's
over $33 million, from just my fee alone."
Gekko's 16-year-old son could not
be reached for comment, as he is recovering from "multiple whiplash" at
the elite St. Bernard Back, Neck and Ski Clinic outside Zurich, Switzerland. Private security kept Weekly Universe foreign correspondents at a distance,
but they report spotting Butch Gekko (aka "Jean-Pierre" to hospital staff
and lodge employees) recuperating beside a fireplace amid "nursing staff."
Lizzy Gekko's daughters, Agnes "Catherine-Marie"
Gekko and Gertrude "Buffy" Gekko, were recuperating in Saint-Tropez, France,
and Windsor, England, respectively.
"I am an irresponsible, dangerous
menace to public health and safety!" Gekko claimed in court filings. "My actions were outrageous! People have repeatedly injured themselves
in my offices, and I do nothing about it! The court must throw the
book at me!"
The court did so, finding Gekko liable
for negligence in the amount of $8.4 million, plus punitive damages of
$50 million. Gekko's insurer will pay the entire $58,400,000 to Gekko,
as compensation for her injuries.
"Justice was done!" Gekko announced
outside the courthouse. "I was entitled to this money from myself. I only thank God I was insured, so that I was able to pay it to me."
Asked about the verdict, one juror
explained, "Well, I don't know much about the law. But I know what
I like. I like clean offices."
The insurance company, one of several
used by Gekko over the years, announced it will raise premiums on all California
customers to pay for Gekko's award.
"But don't think Ms. Gekko gets off
scot free," an insurance company representative warned. "Her policy
rates will increase from $2,100 a year to $5,300 -- just like everyone
|Marcus Rubyman is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated UFOs and the paranormal. Read more of his journalism in Hollywood Witches.
is an exclusive
report from the Weekly Universe -- and thus is available
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