TALE OF A 9-11 MIRACLE --
STEEL MELTS! FRUITCAKE UNHARMED!
by Marcus Rubyman, staff reporter.
[December 27, 2001]
 [WeeklyUniverse.com] Three months after Osama's sicko attack
on the World Trade Center, heroic rescue workers have unearthed a miraculous
survivor in the Twin Towers rubble -- the fruitcake!
That's the startling report
reported by the Weekly Universe's crack team of New York correspondents.
"We knew
the fruitcake's last verifiable
sighting was in the Boston area," said
fruitcake historian Professor Clark Kruger, in an exclusive interview with the Weekly Universe.
"Helene
Bilberry received the fruitcake in Christmas 1997, then mailed it to her
Boston aunt for Christmas 1998. We lost track of the fruitcake the
following year."
Contrary
to the popular myth of multiple fruitcakes, historians have long known
that there is only one.
"Otto
Organbacher baked the fruitcake on December 2, 1830, in King-Of Prussia,
Pennsylvania," stated Professor Kruger, dean of bakery studies at the University
of Pennsylvania. "He presented it to his least favorite sister that
same Christmas, and it's been passed along ever since, giving rise to the
urban legend of there being several fruitcakes, with new ones baked each
year."
Rescue
workers discovered the fruitcake beneath several tons of melted steel and
fine ash.
"I was
clearing away debris, when I saw a bright color in the ash," said NY fire
fighter Kevin Maloney. "It turned out to be one of those ... fruit
thingies."
"Fruit
thingy is indeed the correct technical term," confirms Professor Kruger. "Fruit thingies have long been one of the great riddles of the fruitcake
-- and an academic subspecialty in its own right."
"Some
of the fruit thingies were red, some green, and some orangey," added Maloney. "It was a red thingy I saw in the ash."
The fate
of the fruitcake remains undecided. NTSB investigators believe the
fruitcake was on the flight from Boston, intended as a Christmas gift for some lucky Angeleno. Dents in the crust indicate the fruitcake was
in an area hit hardest by the explosion, possible near the plane's fuel
tank.
But to
date, the fruitcake is unclaimed by any flight passenger relative.
"It's
not surprising," said Professor Kruger. "Few would publicly admit
to a relative giving the fruitcake for Christmas."
If the
fruitcake remains unclaimed, the Weekly Universe's panel of legal experts
believes Maloney has the strongest legal claim to the fruitcake.
Fortunately,
Professor Kruger believes the fruitcake is as fresh as the day it was baked. "There is no reason Maloney could not eat and enjoy the fruitcake in good
health!"
"I guess
I could...," Maloney shrugs. "Although, I always have trouble shopping
for my brother."
Copyright 2001 by WeeklyUniverse.com
Marcus Rubyman is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who investigates UFOs and the paranormal. Read more about his journalism in Hollywood Witches. |
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