EXPANDING UNIVERSE
CRISIS: SHIFTING STARS DOOM CONSTELLATIONS! END OF ASTROLOGY?
by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer.
[November 26, 2001]
 [WeeklyUniverse.com]
As the universe expands and stars sail across the starry night sky, the
comforting constellations are breaking apart! -- So that the tiny tots
of 3,000,000 AD may never see the warmly familiar constellations of their
great-great(x1000)-grandparents' youth!
That's the dire warning of
astro-conservationist Zed Neibelung, founder and director of Save Our Stars,
in his non-negotiable demand for UN intervention to keep our constellations
intact!
"Constellations are a rich
cultural treasure and natural resource, inspiring generations of philosophers,
scientists, theologians, artists, musicians, poets, balladeers, story-tellers,
and mimes," gushes Neibelung. "We can waste money on cars and VCRs,
or even food and medicine to stay alive -- but constellations are why we
live!"
Neibelung's S.O.S. has threatened
to hack into, or otherwise sabotage, satellites and rocket launchpads unless
the United Nations, or somebody, agrees to establish a ten trillion dollar
fund, or whatever turns out to be required, to build a rocket, or something,
to keep the stars in place.
Neibelung acknowledges a
solution is still several years away, but he's assembled a team of experts
from his previous astro-activist activities fighting light
pollution.
Neibelung had tried to outlaw
all nighttime lighting ("I have no problem with using lights during the
day.") so that heartbreak tots everywhere could see the constellations.
But he has since progressed beyond that.
"What's the point of seeing
the night sky, if there's nothing to see in it?" he asks. "We can
always turn off the light. We may even get lucky with another power
crisis. But constellations are a non-renewable resource in a fragile
outer space environment. No man or woman has ever built a constellation.
When they're gone, they're gone!"
Neibelung enjoys support
beyond the radical astro-activist community. Astrologers have rallied
to his cause!
"The zodiac is changing --
and not for the better!" warns astrologer-to- the-stars, K.C. Kassandra.
"Leo has put on weight, and Libra is out of balance!"
The threat to astrology from
shifting stars has been growing. The zodiac has been shifting ever
since the science of astrology was first discovered thousands of year ago.
Debunkers have even used it to try and debunk astrology!
In Astrology:
True Or False A Scientific Evaluation, Roger B. Culver and Philip
A. Ianna wrote: "[T]he precession of the equinoxes has brought about the
disconcerting and confusing result that the astrological signs of the zodiac,
which are usually measured relative to the vernal equinox point, have become
displaced with respect to the constellations for which they are named.
For example, the dates in which the sun is said to be located in the astrological
sign of Scorpio extend from October 24 to November 22. If we plot
the sun's actual position on those dates, however, we find that it is not
in the constellation of Scorpius, but is to the west in Virgo."
Amazingly, Zed Neibelung
is uninterested in the impact of his activism on the astrological community!
"I'm not a scientist, I'm a humanist. That's why I find it unacceptable
to waste money on human greed, when that money can be invested in conserving
the last tiny bit of nature unpolluted by man -- our pristine night sky!"
Copyright 2001 by WeeklyUniverse.com
Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more of her journalism in Hollywood Witches. |
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