CLOTHES CONSPIRACY: CROTCH HOLES PLAGUE PANTS -- SO YOU'LL BUY ANOTHER PAIR!
by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer [November 5, 2011]
[WeeklyUniverse.com] Crotch holes are plaguing men's shorts -- forcing the red-faced fellows who wear them to buy a new pair! But the question remains: Why are holes appearing in shorts of make and brand -- and why only in the crotch area?!
One anonymous tipster revealed to the Weekly Universe that whenever he buys a pair of shorts, within only a few months, holes appear -- and always in the crotch area!
For holes to consistently radiate to the groin area defies science. Holes normally gravitate to the knees of long pants, because people place greater wear & tear there when kneeling. So too holes may be logically populate the seat of one's pants. But unless one rides a bike -- not the case with our anonymous tipster! -- there is no scientific reason for holes to initially and repeatedly manifest in his private area -- UNLESS the manufacturer had intentionally weakened by the crotch area's fabric!
There can be no other logical explanation! This is the only explanation consistent with the FACTS (e.g., the holes always appear in the crotch area, despite no greater wear & tear on that area).
And the manufacturers's motive?
While a man may be able to get by with a hole in some other area of his pants, a hole in the crotch is especially embarrassing, risking exposure of his (possibly urine-stained) undies -- or even of his private parts!
The evidence is overwhelming and irrefutable: manufactures are behind a global conspiracy to sell shorts with weakened groin fabric, in an attempt to boost sales of replacement shorts. It's clearly a conspiracy because this crisis plagues pants of every make and brand -- indicating that a cabal of manufacturers -- as opposed to only one bad apple -- is behind this scheme.
As our photos -- proof that you cannot deny! -- indicate, both Lee and Southpole brand shorts are plagued with weakened crotch areas.
If you still insist on wearing pants while in public, remember to bring a fig leaf -- just in case!
Copyright 2011 by WeeklyUniverse.com.
|Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who investigates the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more about her journalism in Hollywood Witches.