SHOCKING ZODIAC SECRETS:
WHAT ASTROLOGERS WON'T TELL YOU!
Mimi Brickmyer, [May 21, 2002]
[WeeklyUniverse.com] For thousands
of years, generations of astrologers have feared to reveal the true
and secrets meanings of the ancient zodiac!
Now, finally, these esoteric
facts, submitted anonymously and in secret to the Weekly Universe -- and
confirmed by our Special Blue Ribbon Panel on the Astrological Sciences
-- are being made available to the everyone in the universe!
(Jan 20-Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you have
a tendency to be careless and impractical, causing you to repeat the same
mistakes. People think you are stupid.
(Feb. 19-Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you
being followed by the CIA or FBI. You wield some minor influence
over your associates. People resent you for flaunting your petty
power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisceans
do terrible things to small animals.
(Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in
contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.
You are not very nice.
(Apr 20-May 20) You are practical and persistent. You insist
on working long hours with dogged determination. Most people think
you are stubborn and bull-headed. Tauruns have B.O. and fart a lot.
(May 21-June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People
like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect
too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminians
are known for committing incest.
(June 21-July 22) You are sympathetic and eager to hear everyone's
problems. Friends hate you for being a busybody. You are always
putting things off. That is why you'll never make anything of yourself.
Most welfare recipients are Cancers.
(July 23-Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others
think you are too pushy. You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
is disgusting. Most Leos are bullies. All Leos are thieves.
(Aug 23-Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder.
Your nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional
and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time
reality. If you are a man, you are likely a wimp. Chances for
employment and monetary gain are excellent. Libra women make good
prostitutes. All Librans have venereal disease.
(Oct 23-Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.
You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
ethics. All Scorpions are murdered.
(Nov 22-Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have
a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack any talent. The
majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh
at you a great deal.
(Dec 22-Jan 19) You are conservative and avoid taking risks.
You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been
a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still
too long as a dog might think you are a tree and piss on you.
Copyright 2002 by WeeklyUniverse.com
|Mimi Brickmeyer is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who primarily investigates celebrity scandals. Read more about her journalism in Hollywood Witches.
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